Green Eyes

Hello! I'm going to review this with Via's punctuation corrections to make it easier.


Don't you realize you're my hero?
Can't you see why I love you so?

**These lines are really bland. The rhyme is good but I don't get any real feeling from the words.

I see green eyes staring at me from the wall,
Yet no one will catch me as I fall.

**I love the picture that you have here, but I think that it would do a lot better if you shortened the first line and maybe rearranged the words so that it made more sense. "I see green eyes staring at me from the wall" Maybe change this to "Green eyes stare at me from the wall,"

You'll never know I can't sleep.
You'll never know these feelings run so deep.

**This reads kind of odd when you say it outloud. I think it's because you have two negatives in one sentence but I'm not sure. Maybe change it to something more personal so that it takes out the awkwardness. "You'll never realize I don't sleep. Or that these feelings run so deep." It flows a little better.

My world could crumble and you'd never know.
You'll never see these feeling I wish to show.

**I like how you sort of repeated the feelings here from above. The second line seems a litte long though, either that or it's too close to the structure of the line it mimicked. I don't know how you'd change it though, whilst keeping your rhyme and everything. "My world could crumble and you'd never know. You're blind to these feelings I wish to show." That reads nice. You don't want to switch right back to You'll never when you just wrote it above twice.

But you're my hero none the less,
And to me you're the best of the best;

**Nonetheless is one word. You also might want to change "And to me you're the best of the best" to "To me you are the best of the best." It flows better with the line before it.

To me you're the cream of the crop.
Though it might hurt I don't want you to stop.

**Make the first line longer to match your second line by changing you're to you are. That second line is excellent. All I would say for that line is to put a comma after hurt to slow it down a bit and make it more effective.

Your voice is so melodic;
It heals the heart like healing tonic.

**The first line seems too short for the rest of the poem. Also at first it seems like you're writing about this person from a past point of view for some reason...or maybe just like they're sort of far away and you're just describing surface feelings and then you go right into their voice. The rest seemed cheesy compared to these two lines. Not bad, they just had less feeling and description. If the whole poem had description like these two lines then you'd be really well off.

These green eyes stare at me,
Though they look and still don't see.

**Love these two lines.

These ears listen, these eyes look.
Everytime I'd look at you I shook.

**Eh, not nearly as good. The first line is okay but the second is like...okay, why is that important? You're talking more about the person than you're feelings so it's awkward to just switch it around.

But sadly you're just a picture on my wall;
There is nothing there to catch me as I fall.

**I don't think the repetition of catching you does the poem any good. I'd say that if you were getting rid of one of the comparisons I would get rid of the one above and leave this one here at the end. It works better here then the other place you had it.

That's all! Good job on this, I really liked your idea. The only adivice I really have is to add description and make your voice a little more poetic. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

It's a nice piece to read but there are some things that I think could be a bit better. One thing I noticed was that you used quite a few clichés such as,
"best of the best" and "cream of the crop".
They did seem a bit forced. However there are some nice lines through out and would see this as a good start for what could be a very good poem.

Well, one problem here that will overrule anything else wrong with it is that there is no punctuation! When you have a poem with no punctuation the entire thing is read in one breath. I don't know about you, but I can't hold my breath that long!

Consider this revision with punctuation:

Don't you realize you're my hero?
Can't you see why I love you so?
I see green eyes staring at me from the wall,
Yet no one will catch me as I fall.
You'll never know I can't sleep.
You'll never know these feelings run so deep.
My world could crumble and you'd never know.
You'll never see these feeling I wish to show.
But you're my hero none the less,
And to me you're the best of the best;
To me you're the cream of the crop.
Though it might hurt I don't want you to stop.
Your voice is so melodic;
It heals the heart like healing tonic.
These green eyes stare at me,
Though they look and still don't see.
These ears listen, these eyes look.
Everytime I'd look at you I shook.
But sadly you're just a picture on my wall;
There is nothing there to catch me as I fall.


Even with the punctuation it's kind of a loss. It's tired and boring and has been done far too many times. "look" is repeated obnoxious amounts. When you write about a common topic...there has to be something unique about your piece for it to get very far.

Good luck!

this poem really shows how the person cares for the other, and how they trust them and what not

lulu

There are a few typos, but you did say you didn't have time to edit it. This was alright, the rhyming seems a little forced though. You have some good ideas - there is no need to restrict them by keeping a strict rhyming pattern.